Deeply Into the Unknown 

The time is 5:31am and I am just laying here. I am  just laying here with thoughts racing through my head like Usain Bolt running the 100 meters. “What if…?” “But why not…?”  So many scenarios playing out in my mind. These thoughts and scenarios are about my life. A life I have grown to know little about, even though I am the only one who has lived it since birth. 

Photo Source: welleslleyfreelibrary.org

I find myself growing more and more confused every day. My ups are downs. My rights are now wrongs (and lefts). The people I thought I knew. I know longer know. Just when I get accustomed to one thing, it changes. It appears everything I thought I saw was just false images. Images distorted with the reality of a dream I once knew. 


Photo Source: pinterest.com

Now it is 5:48am and I am just laying here. I am just laying here with uncertainty in my mind and fear in my heart. I am scared to turn the page for fear of what it might reveal. I dread the dawn of a new day, as I am terrified to uncover yet another image distorted with the reality of a dream I once knew. Therefore I shall   dream. I shall dream during the day just as I do during the night. I shall remove myself from all that is known and delve deeply into the unknown. 

Life Lesson: Try Not to Lose What is Hard to Find

I hate when I lose things. Especially when it is something that is hard to find once it is lost. Things, I can honestly say I don’t lose too often. My brain is pretty good at keeping up with things, but what it struggles with are my emotions, feelings, and thoughts. 
I seem to lose my temper, my mind, my train of thought, my way, my patience, and my confidence without blinking! And of course those are the things that seem like only Jesus Himself can return to me. I can’t ever seem to find them on my own!


Photo Source: clipartkid.com withPersonal Editing 

I know each of these”losses” are all a matter of changing my habits and my perception. I’m working on that. It’s just the one that seems out of reach is my confidence. I can’t even backtrack my steps to figure out exactly where I lost it! I know the loss of of my confidence was a long gradual process, and it will be a long gradual process to get it back. 
This journey to rebuild myself, and locate all of those feelings, thoughts, and emotions that remain at large, is definitely a difficult one. It seems as if once progress is made in one department a regression is unfolding in another. I consider giving up on a daily bases, but for now I am still on this wild goose chase of a journey to rebuild myself! 


Photo Source: uniben247.com

Life lesson: Try not to lose what is hard to find. 

Go Take a Walk Outside: Outside Looking In

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Photo Source: pinterest.com

We often find ourselves in a place where we cannot seem to figure out what to do in a certain situation. We consult with friends, family, co-workers, teachers, therapists, and sometimes complete strangers! All of this is done to gain insight to make a decision that we simply cannot make on our own. When our backs are against the wall everything moves quickly. The room spins.  We see what is in front of us and what is in our peripherals. This is why we are unable to calm down, think, and come up with a solution.

Are you tired of saying, Why didn’t I think of that? Well that makes sense! Oh,  I see!, along with any number of Ah ha!  phrases everytime a member of your support team solves all of your problems?  If you are, then read on.  This just might help you out the next time your back is against the wall.

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Photo Source: wroteabookaboutit.com

The difference between you and your support team during a difficult situation is location. Your placement during tough times is right there in the trenches. While others are viewing your situation from the outside. It is a lot easier to solve a problem when you are able to see every aspect of the situation. We can all tell the lady in the scary movies to avoid going up the stairs. We can all tell our friends to avoid a certain resturant because of poor service. We can all warn our co-workers of the traffic on the way to work.  Why is this possible? Simple. Because we have already been there. Also, because we are now on the outside looking in. 

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Photo Source: earthporm.com

It is now time for you to take a walk outside. Take a walk outside and see what everyone else sees.  Meaning, remove yourself from the situation and look at what is really going on around you. You have to get a better view, a better idea of what is really happening in your life.  If you are constantly coping with the stresses of life, and never stop to take inventory of your life. You will never be able to figure out what is really going on.

Let’s just say you are having financial problems.  I’m sure anyone who is on the outside will be able to solve your money woes quickly! Why?  Because they are not tied to your lifestyle. They don’t need that pricey car. They don’t need all of the channels the cable provider is willing to shove down your throat. Those on the outside recognize reality over “necessity”. It’s also easier to recognize error when one has made and corrected those same behaviors.

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Photo Source: cnn.com

It’s time to let go of your stress and go take a walk outside! It is time to view your life the way other’s may view it. It is time to slow down and observe from the outside and realize what is really unfolding in your life!

The Fog

It is unclear what lies ahead. I am uncertain with each step forward. I cannot see what is right before me,  and I can hardly make out what I have left behind.  One foot in front of the other. Taking my time as I move forward into the unknown. Nothing I recognize yet, but everything seems familiar.

There is a break in The Fog, but only for a split second. Immediately, I am blinded just as quickly as the unknown was visible. What did I see?  Why did I not see more? Unprepared for the abrupt change before my eyes, my brain was unable to interpret what my eyes had viewed in the rapid change that occurred right in front of me.

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Photo Source: pinterest.com

The Fog is now denser than ever. I can no longer find my way.  Lost in this white darkness I feel trapped. I need more support. I reach out and feel around in this mysterious place as I walk forward. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Slowy, I am able to see past my hands.  A gradual steady lifting of The Fog gives me a sense of hope.

The Fog has lifted and darkness is upon me.  Only two streets lined with street lights greet me.  I have reached a fork in the road. What do I do now? I can see clearly and I still do not know what to do. I guess I will use the senses and resources I have available. Be observant. And as always, one step at a time. One foot in front of the other. Just as I did…in The Fog.

Fog

Emptying My Thoughts- Night 1

Going to sleep is never as easy as it sounds. I am always thinking and making mental notes. The thoughts in my mind race many miles per minute, and I somehow find it difficult to peacefully fall asleep.

That is why I am allowing my thoughts to be left here for everyone else to sift and sort through. If you find something interesting…great!  If not, maybe tomorrow night you will. Well,  here goes nothing!

So,  I just applied to go to school online. I am nervous about getting all of my transcripts (yes, I’ve made numerous attempts at getting my bachelor’s degree), applying for financial aid, and actually beginning this program.

I have a million things to do at work tomorrow. I need to wake up early so I can get a head start at knocking some of my work out. 

I really need to workout tomorrow. I am so tired of having extra weight on me.

I really want to move into a house. I need to become more disciplined with finances. 
PB&J for the next few weeks for lunch! Maybe I’ll lose some weight and get more work done with this tweak to my lunch break.

Does medicine for anxiety really work?  Maybe I should give this dose change more time. I don’t know.

Well, that is all I had to empty for the night. It is time for me to head over to Slumberland. Good night everyone!

Working it All Out- Career Confusion

Why does picking a career have to be such a daunting task? I know what I like and I know what I don’t like. I know my strengths, weaknesses, and capabilities. I know where I excel and I know where I crash and burn. I know other people’s opinions on my talents and gifts.  The one thing I DON’T know is how the hell to put all of this together to form a career goal!

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Photo Credit: npr.com

I’ve taken career assessments, talked to people, sorted my likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, consulted with The Bible, played trial and error for 16 years with job after job after job,  and still unfulfilled. What do I really want to spend the rest of my life doing?  I love reading, writing, math, science, research, spotting and correcting errors (Don’t judge me if I don’t spot or correct any errors contained within this post. It is 4am and my brain hasn’t gotten much rest), delegating, organizing, and maintaining information.
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Photo Credit: livebinders.com

Now, for the negatives. I don’t like working directly with clients, customers, patients, consumers, and whatever other names people who are in need of a product or service go by these days. I would prefer to be behind the scenes helping people. I don’t like working with people. Solitude makes my day…co-workers not necessarily. I prefer to get my work done and move on to the next task! 

The biggest negative is fear.  Fear that I will invest time and money into a degree that isn’t relevant to what I really WANT to do.  Most career matches I’ve come across look good on paper, but I don’t really see myself enjoying the work or work environment. I also don’t feel a great deal of excitement to begin a number of the selected careers. I know how quickly I lose interest in work that doesn’t keep me challenged. Fear, why must you plague my soul?

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Photo Credit: themuse.com

With all of that said,  I shall continue my quest for my ideal career. One that includes more of my likes than dislikes. One that will fulfill me. A career that allows me to be me, and I am greatly appreciated for being me.  A career that will pay well enough for me to survive without having financial problems. I am not seeking financial success. I am just seeking personal success! 

Now that’s not too much to ask for!

K. A. Smith

To Understand the Internal

If I had one wish, what would it be? I would probably wish for more wishes. There is never enough time. There is never enough money. There is always too much weight. There is always too much stress. Is there a balance in this life? I am certainly trying to find it.  Never being good enough. Never succeeding. What is the goal? What is the purpose? Better days have to come. Changes have to be made. Happiness is not the goal. Contentment is where it is.  Accepting would also suffice.

Neat and beautiful little packages that are wrapped with bows are surrounding this unattractive package. This unattractive package that is out of shape and unappealing to the eyes just wants to be an attractive beautiful little package. No one gets it.  No one understands. No one sees a difference in the group of packages. But for that package everything is different, and everything is wrong.

K. A. Smith

Changing Others By Changing Yourself: Creating a Better Life

ImageThe past week or so has been pretty rough for me.  There were ups, and there were downs.  Unexpected twists and turns became the norm for me, but days passed, and life got better.  In fact it became better than it had been in years!  Some times in life we focus on the things others do to hurt us, but there is not much we can do to change other people.

 

During this past week, I realized that a change in self may be all that is needed to bring you to a better place.  Why are people mistreating you?  Why is everything going wrong?  Why do I keep messing up? Instead of shutting people out of your life, or trying to change them, try looking at yourself.  Take some time to sit in silence, and just think.  What is it that you don’t like about yourself?  What is that negative thing about you others always seem to point out? There is a common thread there somewhere, and you need to locate it and work on changing it. 

There is a good chance that your negative ways are poisoning your relationships, and indirectly hindering the successes you desire.  Admit one of your negative personality traits today.  Don’t just admit it to yourself, admit it to someone you may have hurt or offended with that behavior.  Next, you may have to do some research, meditating, or praying to open your mind to changing.  Knowing the benefits to modifying your behavior can also help you on your journey of a better you.  Finally, be consistent. You might feel like giving up initially, but in the long run it is well worth it.  

Is there something about you that is ruining your relationships?  Is there something that you never really liked about yourself, and finally want to change? Do you have any advice for someone who is trying to change bad habits or better themselves in life? Please share in the comments, I would love to discuss this topic with you!

 

Red Wig and A Trendy Wardrobe

Black hair…check
Clothes that I finally settled on because it was all I felt comfortable in…check

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Welcome to my world!  A few facts before I go on.  I am 5’1″, and I don’t have a shape that makes me want to run out and go shopping for clothes. My hair has been black (unless I had highlights), for all of my life.  This is my world, my reality.

Now, welcome to my fantasies, my dreams!

I am now 5’5″ with a body of someone like Kim Kardashian. My hair red.  Not fire engine red like Rhianna’s hair, more like Debra Messing, who played Grace on Will & Grace. I have a closet filled with the latest fashions, the trending pieces the celebrities are covered in on magazine covers. I own my look when I step out for the day.  I don’t mind the attention, in fact I welcome it with open arms. This is my fantasy, my dream.

K. A. Smith

Consistently Inconsistent

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Bad habits don’t change overnight, and are usually hard to escape. Good habits are often difficult to establish, and maintaining them can be an even greater challenge.

The rule of thumb is it takes 30 days to change a habit. My problem is, I never get to day 30. There is always some interruption. Which usually leads to me becoming lazy. I have an excuse for why I can’t complete the task. I am consistently inconsistent.

I want so much, but I can never be as motivated as I should be. I will never see results until I am consistently consistent. Hopefully writing this will hold me accountable for all of my procrastinating, lazy ways.  Tomorrow is a new day and brings forth opportunities to get myself together.

K. A. Smith

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